Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
