i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
