so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
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They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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