I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I hope mine doesn't look like that
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Randomize
