Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
