i barfeds in our rink
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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