Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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