WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
