why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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