Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Randomize
