Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
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