in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
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