this beer tastes like vomit already
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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