What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Keanu Reeves Photobombed A Couple’s Wedding Photos As A Perfect Gift
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
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Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Randomize
