Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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