Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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