Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
It's blow job season.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
