I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
