I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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