Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
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thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
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I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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