Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
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