It's like God shit irony all over that family
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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