woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
