Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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