The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
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Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
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Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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