question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Randomize
