We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
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is wine microwaveable?
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
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I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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