So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
