so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
