Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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