Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Dick very happy bro
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
