I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Randomize
