You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
