hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Randomize
