y did u give ur computer a hand job?
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Holy sore nipples Batman
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
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