yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I believe in your delicious
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
