he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Randomize
