Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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