feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
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