I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
