a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Randomize
