Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Shitshow foam night was such a success
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
