One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
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