I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
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