I thought you said his peep was too small
it is but i have no money and nothing is on tv until 7 when americas next top model comes on.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
