I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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