matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
