I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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