Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
