Apparently you make a good broom.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
