I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
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Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
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Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
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