There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
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