dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
