Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
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