Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
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