I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
