She went from zero to smokin in five shots
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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