I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
