I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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